By Chris Smith
“Baby I’m sorry it’s not you it’s me.” “I cheated.” “I don’t know where I see us going years from now.” “Are you sure they’re not yours?” Relations between two people who have “feelings,” for each other are some of the most complex traditions of our U.S. society today. This is because, over decades of time, norms have changed over and over again. From the acceptable age that people can be married, to interracial couple’s acceptance of in society, the norms of relationships are subjective in nature. It was normal for children the age of thirteen to get married in the past, but in the present it is not. It is normal for marriages to end in divorce in the present, but it wasn’t in the past. And now it seems like a new change should be confronted: pre-relationships.
Pre-relationships can go by many names to the youth. To name a few: “bun joint,” “main squeeze,” “boo,” “baby,” and the most common of all, “boyfriend,” and “girlfriend.” They are essentially “titles,” given to people we have strong liking for and want to have relations with. Really though, what is its purpose? It traditionally was meant as a system for individuals to find their true love, get married, have kids, and live a happy life.
This was the plan, but over time it evolved into something less. Yes, there are some youth searching the earth for that special someone to fill the ever empty void in their heart, but most are waiting a little longer to find love than the rest. What happens when these two opposites decide to have relations? Sometimes the one not looking for love changes their ways and everyone is happy, but most of the time somebody gets hurt. Some people say, “Hey, that’s their fault. They should’ve set the ground rules and said that they weren’t looking for love at the beginning of the relationship.” Do you tell someone you’re interested in that you snore when you sleep, your feet stink, and you have mood swings? No, thought not.
People not looking for love participate in relationships for sport, attention, amusement, practice, and to feel better about having relations with someone. Personally knowing that my bun joint was with me for any of these reasons would hurt me if I truly cared about them. Maybe not the last one, but that is just me. In essence relationships are used as a tool to become better acquainted with someone. I say this because in a relationship you discover new things about the other person from day one when you inquire about their name. When you learn that person’s name you can only go up from there. The thing about it is that you don’t have to be in a relationship to better know a person. Just being a friend can cause you to learn about them, maybe even more. Even the word “relationship,” can be stressing; “friend” is not.
It is currently a norm for friends to have relations with each other. So why have relationships? At my first thought I assumed people must want to be exclusively to each other when having relations. This idea conflicts with the rise of “open” relationships. Open relationships are when the individuals still have titles like “bun joint” and “boo,” but they have relations with other individuals who are not included in the relationship.
The answer to relationships is there is no real answer to what relationships are for. They’ve been around for so long that there is no real reason why we engage in them at all. They are and are not needed in society. It’s like people walking on their feet all the time instead of walking on their hands. Why walk on our feet? Because everybody else did it before us, and it worked so why change it? Just like the old saying goes, “Don’t fix nothing if it ain’t broke.” This is something I believed needed to be reiterated; not everyone is looking for love even though they say they are.
What does this have to do with you? That is the question you’re probably asking yourself. Well I’ve been through many failed relationships without really knowing what I was getting myself into, maybe a few successful relationships as well (ones that I learned something from). Now that I understand the things that I’ve shared with you, I can make better and more mature decisions when pertaining to relationships and I want to help others. If I am going to play the promiscuous role, then I have to make sure my co-stars aren’t on another script relationship-wise. Also that real commitment and real “love,” have a feeling unlike any other. And when someone gives you this feeling it is not constant (a sensation replenished every minute from the first moment); love is like the scent of a lustrous perfume or alluring cologne, it comes and goes with the person who brought it. Picking the “right” one takes scrutiny beyond description and if they can’t handle it then they are obviously not the “right one.” I guess you could say I was on both sides of the blade and that is as personal as I will get.
Disclaimer: The ideas and thoughts in the last paragraph aren’t meant as direct advice for anybody but me. I presented you with a personal invitation to my mind to indirectly help you better formulate your own personal ideas on relationships. Do not inform your “bun joint,” that this section of the blog is the reason they are not right for you or that you need to re-evaluate your life. Players play on and Lovers stay strong.